The saying two steps forward and one step back could be used to describe the last 4.5 years of my life. Every time I thought my life was turning around for the better, someone or something would just push me back. It’s an exhausting way to live.
The question I ponder is this: do I stand my ground and pray I can withstand the effort to push me down, do I learn to push forward without looking back or do I accept that 2 forward and 1 back is just normal life? I always feel guilty when I write about feeling financially insecure and believing I’ll never find love again because I know people who have problems well beyond mine. But I try and remember God doesn’t compare me to anyone but Jesus and that’s why I need His grace. It’s okay to feel confused and disheartened from time to time.
My depression is basically gone. I’m not saying it doesn’t read it’s ugly head from time to time, but I can honestly say while I’m disappointed with my current life status, I’m not depressed. I contribute several factors; finding the right therapist, which for me was someone who validated my experience and who believed I hadbeen emotionally abused. Moving closer to my daughter and son-in-law. While we don’t see each other often, just knowing they are close helps. And lastly I began taking care of a little boy last October. He will be 2 this June. His joy for life is infectious. And his love is unconditional and it’s impossible to feel depressed when I know I will see him.
So for now, I’ll keep pushing forward and take those steps backward when necessary, knowing life is only going to get better.
There are all types of freedom. Just read the words penned by Emma Lazarus in 1883,
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”
As a Jewish American woman in the late 19th century, her freedoms were restricted both as a woman and a Jew. Yet her gift with words are with us 134 years later.
Drugs, pornography, materialism, love of money, desire for the “perfect” body/face etc are just a few of the things which limit Americans’ freedom. I don’t have the space to broach the subject of poverty, sexism, war etc.
What I forget many times, is that these bonds aren’t always visible. I can’t see the struggles others face anymore than they can see mine. The mental abuse I endured for the sake of love and my belief that vows are meant to be kept created many struggles in my life. It has been especially difficult these past four years. I’ve prayed that if reconciliation isn’t part of God’s plan, to remove the desire for it in my heart. This next comment may sound like I don’t trust God. I do but I struggle like everyone so I was surprised when one day I realized I hadn’t recently felt any desire for reconciliation. My eyes have been opened to the depths of connection I was missing in my marriage.
I feel a sense of relief. I still yearn for the financial security and the idea of an unbroken family, but I understand now God has something better planned for me. It may or may not be marriage again, but whatever it is, it will be good.
Every time I see this commercial, it never fails to make me laugh. It answers the age old question, “Who is the boss?” Mothers wear many hats and do it with grace. And while adults believe they speak the truth, don’t we all know it’s really the children who tell it like it is? Follow this link for a smile
I had a busy day yesterday and thought the cough was due to allergies! I was wrong. I have a full fledged head cold. So many plans and now I’m sidelined for a few days, but it’s okay. I’m fortunate that I don’t get sick often and best of all, it’s killed my appetite!
I haven’t written anything for this blog in over a year. Most of my posts have been to my Life Rewritten blog but after reading over those posts I realized they all sounded so depressing.
Wondering if only writing depressing things helps keep me depressed, I decided to make this blog visible again and try to write from a different perspective. It’s my own experiment and I have no idea how it will work. These past few days have been difficult. I’ve recognized that when I am in a certain type of situation, I become severely depressed. My hope is I can avoid that situation.It has also been difficult because I need $520 worth of blood tests and can’t afford them. Facing my inability to received the healthcare I need increases my anger and resentment towards my ex-husband. Just another hurdle to get over.
So I am going to do this experiment for the month of October. No writing on Life Rewritten. I’ll only write here and write positive upbeat things.
Yes, folks only 15 days before spring and just three days before we move our clocks forward an hour. Now if I still lived in Minnesota or Iowa seeing snow on the ground on March 5th wouldn’t be a surprise. But living in Dallas then it’s a BIG surprise.
Snow makes such a beautiful blanket as long as it’s not disturbed. It muffles sound and can camouflage the ugliest surroundings. It reminds me of how some women live their life. They cover themselves with makeup, surgery, hair extensions, anything to camouflage who they are.
Heaven forbid anyone notices that you are less than perfect. Unfortunately, all of those false applications eventually melt away, just like snow and you are left with the ugly mess. When there is nothing of value beyond the exterior, then destruction comes. It is just a matter of time.
And for the men who have chosen to leave a real woman for someone younger and false and plastic, they will find themselves alone when they truly need someone. Sad so so sad
Years ago some people much older than I am gave me some wise insight. When asked if we wanted to know our future, I said yes. They all responded no. I didn’t understand why until they explained that as humans we tend to focus on what goes wrong and not on what goes right. By knowing my future I quite possibly would have missed out many joys because my focus would have been on my divorce. I just never have liked the unknown. I lived in 5 states and went to 8 schools in 5 years. Every time a move was announced, I panicked. It always took me so long to make friends and feel like the house was home. I haven’t changed. Once my ex-husband and I found ourselves in Texas, we spent almost all 30 of our years together in the same town. I settled in and I was happy. Unfortunately I made the mistake that so many of us do and believed that once I had settled into life, it would all be good.
Now I find myself at the beginning of another new and unknown path. I am more frightened now than when I was 9 years old and thrust into a culturally different place where everyone made fun of my accent, my name, my hair etc. Because then I had no control over where I lived or went to school. It was all controlled by my parents. When I married I lived where my husband decided. His job took us from Iowa to Texas. I had no say in where we lived. We lived where he worked.
No one is dictating to me where I must live. It is scary. I am still don’t have a job. Do I leave Texas, the place I’ve called home for the past 30 years? Do I follow one of my daughters? Do I return to where my mother and sister live? Do I just pick a place I think I would like and go for it?
I DON’T KNOW. THIS UNKNOWN PATH SCARES ME BUT IT IS ONE I MUST FACE.
It seems like yesterday I was writing about what to do for Christmas. Now the presents are opened and Christmas has come and gone, but that doesn’t mean the fun is over. Dallas offers a variety of ways to ring in the New Year. This link New Year’s Eve will take you to Eventbrite with a list of the area celebrations. So find one that is right for you.
If you would rather stay home and celebrate with friends and family, it doesn’t mean you will miss out on the fun. December 1999 I had a party to celebrate the arrival of 2000. Friends came to join us as we said goodbye to 1999. I asked everyone to bring a dish to share and their favorite beverage. I supplied the cups, napkins, plates and activities. We had karaoke. You can rent a karaoke machine or just hook up a microphone to your own receiver. A friend played Auld Lang Syne on the piano and we all sang along as the old year passed and the new one entered. I had games set up in the garage for kids. And I took each family’s photo as a souvenir. Friends still comment on how much fun they had that evening. We didn’t have fireworks or a professional band. We didn’t have a black-tie dinner or famous guests. There were no expensive gift bags for the guests. All we had to offer was our home and fellowship.
So this year, as you say goodbye to 2014 and hello to 2015 make it special on a large-scale or small-scale. But remember time is the only thing you can never recover. Once the clock ticks to 12:01 am, January 1, 2015; the year 2014 will be one left to remember.